I am
certain that the chapter five, Risk and Resilience After Divorce is a
must read of every married couple, common law, or couple planning to get
married, especially where children are involved. The chapter pokes holes in the
myth of the process of divorce being associated to a chaotic family. The
statistics show the many common variables that lead to divorce or separation by
agreement, death, and irreconcilable differences, and also less understood
factors such as a single negative event, and further discusses the adjustment
of children involved in the process. The odds seem to be stacked against
couples who wish to get married with half of all marriages ending in divorce. I
experienced this kind of stereotypical thinking from others reflective of these
statistics when I got married. Chapter six, The Diversity, Strengths,
and Challenges of Single Parent Households by Carol M. Anderson elaborates
about the strengths of the couple - their ability to choose a healthy
alternative to chaos or fighting in their home.
Another
strong statistic that jumped out at me from chapter five, coming from a male
standpoint was that 84% of children reside with their mother post divorce or
separation. I was not so much interested in the racial, economic and
educational factors that surround divorce as I was in the patterns of
interaction and personal characteristics that are associated to divorce. In my
first nation community, there are several couples who have been married for
over or approaching 50 years. I think it is more a generational trend to
separate, with influences such as television altering people’s realities and
expectations. Within First Nation communities this generational trend of
separation is compounded with a frustration and deep hurt and anger held by
First Nation peoples due to negative historical events and factors. As a result
of this frustration parents teach their children to be angry, the children go
on to carry this anger and not relate well and struggle to foster health
relationships.
There is
substantial research to indicate that individuals react negatively following a
divorce or separation. This is often in the form of self destructive behaviors.
This depends on protective and vulnerability factors, I.E., - the level of
support from family of origin and a variety of factors associated with what
kind of support is transmitted. Overall, the risk is 25% of divorced family
households vs. 10% of non-divorced household family, lead to problem behaviors
in children. In step family situations, the likelihood of conflict increases as
there are more variables involved such as biological parents not agreeing with
the parenting of a step parent among many more.
There are
pre-existing factors that can lead to a divorce/separation before any problems
arise. “There is evidence that paternal divorce impacts womens’ expectations
for their own marriages, so that women that experienced their parents’ divorce
have lower relationship commitment and relationship confidence, controlling for
prior parental conflict and current relationship adjustment. Selection of a
stable, supportive spouse from a non divorced family however can essentially
eliminate the risk of martial instability associated with having divorced
parents”.[1]
I understand this quote that the womens’ expectations are influenced by a
series of disruptions in her upbringing, resulting in a trauma bond.[2] In other words, even when things are
going well, she will have anxiety as to what will happen next, a ‘this is too
good to be true’ mindset, what is going to mess it up? A parent is often
consumed with the stresses of divorce/separation that they will neglect the
needs of the child.
Co-operative
co-parenting is the ideal, except 75% of divorced couples undermine the other
parent’s ability to parent. The parenting style that that works well is
authoritive, characterized by warmth, support responsiveness, and consistent
control and monitoring still works better in non-divorced than divorced
household. In households where there are stepfamily situations,
boundaries established early will decrease the likely hood of conflict between
biological parents and step-parents. In the end however, it is the child that
is adapting to new rules and authority figures, likely other children from
another parent after a remarriages or the re-partnering process occurs. This
process can be likened to the adjustment of moving to a foreign country.
Many
divorced mothers turn to their own parents for emotional support and child
care. In circumstances where partners undermine the others parenting
capabilities and techniques after a divorce or separation, this statistic will
be more explosive in a situation where a mother comes from a household with a
history of divorce, other disruptions, and enmeshment. I personally know a lot
of people who have been raised by their extended families. I also see these
same people continuing on patterns they grew up with and living them out within
their own relationships, I.E., - Children of young parents often become young
parents themselves. In contrast I know people, not as many however; that ‘the
cycle’ does not repeat these patterns and in fact do the opposite of what they
grew up knowing and being around. Ultimately, in my own opinion, how one raises
their own children and is a measure of success that is more important than any
degree, amount of money or other monetary gains.
The scenario I want to create involves a young family and the influence of
their birth family on their relationship. I am mediating a young couple
breaking up, with one child involved and I am the councilor. The metaphor I am
going to use is the fire truck. Briefly, Larry and Larisa were together for 2
years before getting married at 20 and 22; they had a baby one year later. They
separated one year after the baby was born, and divorced another year after the
separation. Both Larry and Larisa have a strong relationship with their
son, Landon. Larry’s parents married at 17 & 20 divorced after 1 year when
Larry was 1 year old at marriage. They separated after much conflict in the
family when Larry was 5 years old. Larry does not have a relationship with dad
and is ‘enmeshed’ in an unhealthy relationship with his mother. Larry’s sister
is a drug and alcohol user and ‘medicates’ with Larry. Larisa’s parents married
at 26 & 27 and are still married after 26 years. Larisa was born
after 3 years marriage. Both Larisa’s parent’s have a good relationship with
their grandson, Landon.
Couples
such as Larisa and Larry, who have agreed to separate, would be better suited
to be married and or to be single parents once they have had the opportunity to
read the chapters 5 & 6 of this book. While the information and statistics
about the families in conflict may seem daunting, there comes great
expectations and hope that with the proper support and the development of
conflict resolution skills this young couple may avoid many problems which come
with separation, divorce and single co-operative parenting.
Larry is
partially aware that he is modeling some of the same troublesome behaviors as
he was raised in and for which he doesn’t have a full solution. He is somewhat
stuck. He needs support and assistance in understanding and addressing his
errors without causing him further embarrassment or shame. Part of his
solution is to have a working understanding of his own up-bringing and then do
the resolution of the effects of his upbringing.
I help
Larry develop a concrete sense of security for his choice to separate and end
the ongoing conflict with his wife and in a careful way with his mother and
father. Part of this is for Larry will be assisted to make a more positive
support system by making a connection with his family-of-choice, create more
empowerment with family-of-origin and to recognize his current distorted views
of being a separated, perhaps failure – single dad. I would help Larry to come
to being able to understand and be able to practice doing family conflict
resolution even with his ex-wife.
Another
part of the process is to develop a positive language, eliminating destructive
language and know why he did it in the first place. He will also construct a
family map to identify the types of relationships he presently has. I would
prepare him to initiate a meditation process to be the parent he wants to be
and to co-parent in harmony. By getting Larry to do some practical exercises in
dealing with his present perceptions of being a single parent, Larry will
dislodge old distorted thoughts, behaviors and ways of relating. I would
approach the work with Larry in steps: the seeking process, preparation for the
quest, developing tools and skills of the quest, the journey, and the last part
would be - living centered. Much of the work with Larry would be about learning
to re-establish his emotional package and do this in practical emotional steps.[3]
I realize
how difficult the work of a family therapist or councilor is and yet, I see that
it is a job that takes genuine commitment of time, energy and great care of
listening and enhancing the strengths of the client. I would listen carefully
to ensure that Larry is empowered as a man and as a father.
The
metaphor I use to help me understand the process is a fire truck putting out
the fires - what are the fires? The fires are the disturbed emotional
expressions of conflict. Emotional disturbance can get people into a
crazy-making mindset, I.E., - Larry’s mother keeps him disabled in a way
by over-reacting and causing Larry to do as she says – to look after her needs
rather than that of his own and his son’s. The fire truck is not dealing with
source of dysfunction of relation. The fires were smoldering there before the
wedding.
In my
first assignment I discussed enmeshment, “Enmeshment is interference in their child’s ability to solve family conflict issues”.
Author Froma Walsh states, “The
overused label ‘enmeshment’ over pathologizes families whose high cohesion is
culturally normative”. She goes onto say that there is a “high connectedness
and caretaking may be both functional and desirable in couples and families,
without being intrusive”.[4]
When I say that Larry is enmeshed with his mother, I am referencing that he
cannot make decisions without his mother and the ones he does make – are not
designed to include his wife Larisa. In this case, Larry has had his mother’s
emotional expression and her interest in being right – first. Enmeshment in
this case is the stunting of Larry’s ability to fully function as a adult
partner to his wife and the mother naturally exploits Larry’s feelings of low
self-worth. She also does not support a full blown relationship with her
daughter-in-law Larisa which is further disturbs Larry’s ability to parent in a
single way. Larry’s sister is drug and alcohol focused and Larry is drawn to
this type of coping way as well.
This
scenario and analysis helps me or associates with me – by educating me and
preparing me to study in more depth and relevance family dynamics and family
conflict. I understand that in my marriage that we are better prepared to deal
with common issues of any newly married couple. The information of chapter 5
& 6 created for me an understanding of what children go through when
parents separate or divorce. I have a better working knowledge of children with
whom I work with and even with some of my own family and friends. I am already
witness children expressing concerns about divorce and separation.
Bibliography
1.
La Vallee, Jaye. Experiential Psychotherapist /
Like skills Trainer.
2.
Walsh, Froma. Normal family processes:
growing diversity and complexity. 4th ed. New York: Guilford Press, 2012.
[1] Walsh,
Froma. "Risk and Resilience After Divorce." In Normal family
processes: growing diversity and complexity. 4th ed. New York: Guilford
Press, 2012. 108.
[2] La
Vallee, Jaye . Interview by author. Personal interview. Winnipeg Manitoba, May
29, 2012.
[3] La
Vallee, Jaye . Interview by author. Personal interview. Winnipeg Manitoba, May
29, 2012.
[4]
Walsh, Froma. "Clinical Views of Family Normality, Health, and
Dysfunction: From a Deficits to Strength Perspective." In Normal family
processes: growing diversity and complexity. 4th ed. New York: Guilford
Press, 2012. 47.
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